Coping with Unsupportive Family When You Elope
One of our favourite things about eloping (and you’ll hear us say this a lot) is that it’s your wedding your way. In a world that tells you exactly what to do, who to be, and what to wear, choosing to elope is a radical and liberating decision. You don’t have to fill a venue with hundreds of people and debate on whether you’re inviting your weird uncle or the rest of the family you love but barely speak to. Instead, you can take a low-key approach to your nuptials and only invite your closest people, your dog, or just you and your partner. It’s entirely up to you!
The tough part about eloping is that it often stirs up hurt feelings from loved ones who would have hoped to be a part of your special day. So, if you’re struggling for ways to break the news to your friends and family and wondering what to do if it all goes south – keep reading for our best tips.
How To Tell Your Family You’re Eloping
It takes a lot of guts to announce that you’re eloping, or that you eloped. Whether it’s ocean-side nuptials, an adventurous day in the mountains, or an intimate location with your closest family and friends, it’s your day to do exactly what you want. That’s why the most important thing to remember when you tell your family you’re eloping is that this day is yours.
1. Face to Face – Just like with any big news, you shouldn’t do it over text if you can help it. Even if it’s painful and awkward, telling your loved ones about your decision face-to-face can express your excitement for an intimate ceremony over a traditional wedding. For your friends and family that aren’t geographically close, getting on FaceTime or Zoom is the next best thing.
2. Drop Hints and Make it Obvious – If you never planned on going the traditional route, it’s likely you’ve answered some “when are you getting married?” questions by saying that eloping is more your jam. Dropping hints long before your engagement day can help ease your friends and family into the actual announcement. Knowing a traditional wedding is off the table helps minimize the hurt feelings.
3. Explain Your “Why” – Whether it’s the price tag of a large wedding or you're looking for something truly intimate, or you believe in spending the day enjoying your relationship instead of worrying about making everyone else happy, sharing the “why” behind eloping can help your would-be guests cope with the news.
4. Offer Ways to Include Them – Just because you’re eloping doesn’t mean you can’t involve your close family and friends. There are literally no rules when it comes to eloping, so do what works best for you. You can invite a handful of people to watch you walk down the aisle, include them in the planning process, or get your crafty friends to help make the décor. Recording your elopement is another way to transport your love story so others can relive your day with you.
5. (Bonus) Reception - Enlist the help of friends and family to help organize a party reception, a collective celebration of your newly minted marriage. This is a great way for family to get involved, save your first dance for the reception and then have parent dances, allow time for speeches and cut a cake if you like sweets, and definitely place bets on when Grandma is hitting the dance floor.
How To Cope When You Elope
While you can expect the worst and hope for the best, most times it’s all smooth sailing, but you still might get some backlash for eloping. Just remember — you have the right to elope, you’re a grown adult and you can make your own decisions, and you don’t owe anyone access to your wedding day, it’s yours. It can be difficult to navigate the hurt feelings of the people you care about most, so here’s a little roadmap to help navigate the naysayers:
1. Keep Your Perspective – You’ve ever made a big decision together and had to announce it to your families — like taking a gap year and travelling, choosing a school far away, or dropping out of university and choosing to work — you might remember the anticipation and the drama after you dropped some big news on family in the past. Think back on those moments and try to remember how long the reactions lasted and if it was worth it. The answer is likely to be yes.
2. Involve Who You Want – It isn’t selfish to prioritize yourself and your relationship. If saying “I do” looks like a private affair with your officiant, that’s fine. But if you want to invite a small number of guests to share your big day, that’s perfectly fine too. Ditch the shame and make the wedding decisions that spark joy for you and your new spouse.
3. Objections are Reflections of Feelings – Read that one again. When you’re doing what’s best for you, objections from friends and family are a reflection of their feelings, not a reflection of your decision. While your close group ultimately wants you to be happy, as they should, they might have their own ideas or visions about what they think will make you happy. Empathize with how they are feeling and explain the why behind your choice to elope, know that their feelings are theirs in the same way that yours are your own. Also, how wonderful that your closest friends and family have such strong thoughts and feelings about your lives - as long as they stay in their lane and respect your decisions too.
4. Check-in With Yourself – It’s ok to feel sad and even grieve how you thought something would turn out, and the same goes for your elopement plans. It’s important throughout the planning process to honour the feelings that come up. Sit in your emotions (cry it out, you’ll feel better), and then let them go without someone’s objection changing what you really want. If you truly want to elope, just the two of you – do it! Or if you’ve gotten this far and realized maybe you really can’t imagine tying the knot without hundreds of guests – then you should do that.
5. What if it all Goes Wrong? - No matter what type of wedding, how many guests you invite, what you decide to eat, or how much you plan … there is zero guarantee your day will be perfect, eloping is not the exception to that … it does however decrease the risk of things going wrong by having fewer things to potentially go wrong. Really, if the weather cooperates and you both get there … it’s happening! So if you’ve got the roll-with-it spirit, a willingness to do what you want despite some potential pushback, and want a simple and intimate wedding experience … eloping may be the perfect option for you.
While it might be significantly less expensive and more intimate to elope, we firmly believe in honouring yourself and having a true-to-you wedding (whatever that might look like). People can always surprise you! Love does work like magic sometimes and thrives against all odds.
